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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A Caveat To Those Who Want To Marry Filipinas

***article from Scotsman.com News

It makes me sad because this piece of news would definitely cast a cloud of doubt to anyone who might be considering marriage with a Filipina. As I have said in my past article, marrying a Filipina is a very big business. There are some obligations that come with the relationship and obviously, as in the case of this news, there are also risks.

Just like in other places, there are “bad bananas” everywhere. One has to be very careful not to ingest this poisonous fruits by being more vigilant with themselves. Although majority of girls in the Philippines are nice, sweet and loving, there are still some who I would call “wolves in sheep’s clothing”. Western men are easily enticed by their sweetness and beauty and are easily turned into preys.

A Filipina could either be the best thing that ever happened to you or could easily be your doom. I do not mean to scare anyone with this statement but I certainly want this to be regarded as a warning. Filipinas are good but not all Filipinas are good. Only marry the girl when you have exercised everything to make sure she is in it for the rest of her life.

But how can one be sure? No one does no know for sure but maybe you can consider the following guidelines:

1. Don’t rush. Make sure you know everything about her before taking her to the altar. Take time to meet her family and be very alert on “signs”. I don’t mean you have to be suspicious about everything but maybe using common sense works. Here’s a story of someone I know:

Carl has been talking to this girl both online and on the phone for years, he’s even visited her in Manila a few times, but other than that, he knows nothing about her other than what she tells him. She works as a waitress in a food chain and lives in an apartment and her family is in the province. That’s all he knows. He sends her money from time to time even though they aren’t married yet. When he finally retired and decided to move to the Philippines for good, they lived together for a few months. But all those time he has no idea that she is actually a prostitute and even when they were living together she still manages to sneak out and meet a customer or two. When he learned about this he was shattered and of course they split up (who wouldn’t?) But he was hurt already and he has invested his emotion and money to her for a couple of years just to learn it was all a lie. She doesn’t really care.

So before you commit yourself, get to know her very well. When you think you know her that much ask to meet her friends, ask them questions in a friendly way, ask to meet her family and grill them casually. Their answers would definitely tell you what kind of person she is. Check that her stories and their stories tally. Make it your business to know anything and everything about her because you definitely have the right to do that. I know it is a little impolite in the west to be inquiring about other people’s past lives but it is quite understandable in the Philippines especially if you are western. At least by doing so, they would know you mean business and not a fly by night relationship. Explain to them you intend to be in the marriage for life so you have to learn everything. But that whatever you learn will not affect your feelings for her because you will accept her wholeheartedly in the end. Besides they have nothing to fear if they’re not hiding anything from you. Honesty and trust is a basic trait in any relationship. She should be honest enough to tell you anything and everything, good or bad.

Some western men would employ the services of investigators to ascertain the background of their Filipina girlfriends. It might be a good idea but if you think you’ve exercised enough caution that might be enough.

2. Open your eyes and think! Ask yourself questions as well. Do not get blinded by the exotic beauty and culture and values she is showing you. Be realistic. There is massive poverty in our country that so many people would do anything and everything to alleviate their status. There is nothing wrong with coming from a poor family because it all boils down to the qualities of the person you are to marry. Now where did you meet the girl? If she comes from one of those night clubs along Ermita or Makati Ave. or Olongapo City, Beware! Really beware! I am not saying all bar girls are bad but most of them are not wife material. Really, if you are looking for a proper wife, what are you doing in those places? One might want to feel like Richard Gere who was a night in shining armour to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman but let’s face it, WHEN DOES IT REALLY HAPPEN? If you met her online, did she ask you money? As I have said, Filipinos have so much pride in them. Most poor people value their dignity more than anything else. Most of them are principled actually that they would rather go hungry than beg. For one to ask money from someone they haven’t even met is an act of desperation and by that they are sacrificing their pride. If they do, who knows what other thing they can sacrifice, you perhaps?

Is she too young for you? What common grounds do you have? This is to be thought of because although there is nothing wrong with marrying a young lady, there has to be a common ground, isn’t it? The true test of love will always be whether she will still be there no matter what. Imagine the setting when the initial attraction fades, there must be love to hold you together. If you don’t have anything in common what will you do together in the house? What will your conversations be like? Will she not get tired and start to seek her friends most of the time and leave you alone? Would you mind? Are you ready for that? This is why you have to integrate yourself with her life, make her friends your friends as well even before you get married so you can have a common ground.

3. Don’t readily pack up and leave your life abroad and move the Philippines immediately. You have to think 100 times or more if it is really the right decision. Living in the Philippines is not for everyone. You have to learn about the people, the degree of courtesy and friendship we share and how we expect you to behave when you’re with us. I’ve mentioned this because this is also what I have been repeating to my husband. It is common for western people to act as they feel no matter what other people think. When they are grumpy or angry, they will walk around with an angry face and they could be mean to people around them even if they don’t have anything to do with the cause of their anger. This is something you cannot do in the Philippines. I noticed here in Singapore or even in Malaysia, even when the Brits are a bit mean to them they don’t fight back. Once in a crowded place, someone accidentally pushed past me and my husband thought he was bullying me and he did pushed back the lad to my horror! This was in the middle of the very busy train station. Imagine a small asian being pushed by a big 6’ brit? It’s like bigfoot pushing a little boy isn’t it? I mean I was flattered he was protective of me but I told him he cannot be pushing people just like that especially since he didn’t really mean to push me. It was just rush hour. There were so many people who saw that but no one cared and the lad didn’t even fight back. In the Philippines people fight especially when foreigners become a bit insulting. Also remember an insult to one Filipino is an insult to all. So if you’re a western and you have a fight with a local, I tell you that’s a very bad move because even people around who do not know the person you’re fighting with will definitely join and fight you. In the end it’ll be your loss. We have a certain pride and kinship that we share especially when fighting someone who is not from “our place”. I mean yes we like tourists and foreigners but we wouldn’t take craps from them. That’s what most Filipinos believe.

Do study the area you’re moving to, try it for a month or two and learn the rope. At least you won’t end up trapped in a place you don’t really want to be and you can’t turn back.

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